monsters2Culver City, CA, January 20, 2017

The Universal Horror Franchise welcomed a new member to the family this week as newly inaugurated president Donald Trump was also inducted into the Monsters cinematic universe.

“Developing this project has been immensely exciting and a real joy.” Said Universal Pictures executive Peter Freed. “We are so pleased to bring another horror icon into the fold, and to introduce this new, bone chilling chapter of the Monsters franchise to fans around the world. Dracula, The Wolf Man, and now The Donald. Universal is where horror lives.”

The announcement comes just a few months before the release of The Mummy, Universal’s first entry into a shared cinematic world.

“The Monsters universe has been blown wide open.” said Universal screenwriter Christopher Spaihts. “Would Trump and Frankenstein be friends or foes? Could The Invisible Man break into the Oval Office? What would Abbot and Costello do if they met Donald Trump? The storytelling possibilities are endless!”

Freed announced four movies as part of their Phase One Lineup: Trump (Feb 9, 2018), Bride of Trump (Sept 21, 2018), White House of Dracula (April 5, 2019), and She-Trump of Washington (Feb 14, 2020), adding that the frightful flicks should be refreshing diversion to the real life horror of the next 4 years.

makeawishrock

Born with a life-threatening degenerative heart condition, 8 year old Logan Wright has undergone multiple open-heart surgeries and an aortic valve replacement. Helping him along the way to keep his tough spirit alive, his personal hero – The Rock.

But due to a clerical error somewhere along the way, an actual rock showed up to Lurie Children’s hospital instead of Actor and Professional Wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

“I don’t know what the problem is.” Said Children’s Wish Spokesperson Doug St. James. “He said he wanted a rock, and that’s exactly what he got. And trust me, it wasn’t easy getting it up to the 4th floor. We had to use the stairs.”.

Logan and The 46 pound stone made the best of the afternoon, quietly watching wrestling DVDs and staring out the window.

jordan-retiring

Ysabel,

On the night of November 8th, the world changed. Donald Trump was elected as the President of the United States. It was a victory not only for the man, but a victory for dangerous ideas and an attitude that okay great your mother just left the room, I need you to listen to what I’m about to tell you and for you to take it very seriously.

Space Jam was real.

It was the most horrifying time in my life, and to this day I still have no idea how they got all that footage of it and made it into a movie. What I do know is that Mr. Swackhammer is still on the moon, and Nerdlucks or not, he’s been plotting his revenge for years. I’m the only one who can stop him and I’ve figured out oh no I think your mother is coming back.

Donald Trump is bad. You need to look out for him because his ideas are also bad. Just, the whole situation is bad okay? Daddy wants you to stay safe because – okay your mother left again. She’s always reading over my shoulder, always worried I’m going to send another one of my “crazy letters”, whatever THOSE are. She only agreed to let me write this because it was about Trump.

I dunno what else to say about him, I don’t really follow earth politics anymore. What I do know is that Trump or not, none of it matters if the all new, all cool, rude dude Monstars return to Earth. Those bad boys are straight up evil. Oh jeez, your mother is starting right at me from the doorway. I need to look like I’m busy writing a normal letter. Here is a list of pies that I have tried: Apple, blueberry, pecan, rhubarb, peach, mincemeat (that one was yucky!) coconut cream – okay she’s gone.

Listen up, I need 15 time crystals. Remember, these need to be FOUR dimensional, not just three. If you’re not sure what that means, just ask King Krystal. He rules the gemstone kingdom at the centre of the earth. Once I have those crystals I can go back to the start and end things once and for all – All I need to do is hit 3 space three pointers in a row.

Your Mother insists on proofreading my letters before she sends them, but I know she only skims them, so as long as she sees the word Trump enough it should be enough to get past her. TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP

I am sorry to put this burden on you. DO NOT share this letter with any of your brothers or sisters. If you need help, you can trust Larry Bird and in a pinch, Taz. We don’t always see eye to eye but he has a moral code that I respect.

Keep Dunking,

Daddy

p.s. I will finish the list of pies I have tried in future correspondence.

8 Things You Should Know Before Eating at a Chinese Restaurant 

By Cameron Wyllie

Chinese Restaurant

Sweet and Sour Pork. Spicy Gong Bao Chicken. Soup. We all love Chinese food, but going to a restaurant to order it can be an intimidating experience. Here are 8 things you should know before eating at a Chinese Restaurant.

1 – How a door works

Door

If you’ve never been to a Chinese Restaurant before, it can seem like a house of riddles. “There are four walls surrounding this Chinese restaurant! How am I supposed to get inside? How are all these people coming and going?” The secret is a device called a “Door”. It’s a moving structure that allows access to an enclosed space like a building or vehicle. Think of it as a hole in the wall with a cover put on top of it! Simply walk around the restaurant pressing against the wall, and when a section of it moves, you’ve found yourself the Door! Some doors require you to pull them, so if pushing doesn’t work, do another lap of the restaurant pulling at the wall. Pull open the wall hole and walk right in! 

2 – How to get home.

lost person2

Great, You’ve made it inside! You’re moments away from succulent Chinese delicacies! But I hope you’ve paid attention to how you got to the restaurant, because you’re going to have to leave eventually.Always pay attention to where you’re going so that you can find your way back home. What bus did you take? What neighbourhood do you live in? Does my home have a wall hole I can walk through? If you can’t remember these things, you might have to live forever at the Chinese restaurant and get married to the cook! 

3 – Food goes into your mouth

food in mouth2

Yummy! Chinese Food has arrived on your table! But do you know what to do with food once you have it? If not, you’re going to look fairly foolish. (in front of Cook, no less!) The most common use of food is to put it in your mouth and absorb it’s nutrients. (We recommend chewing and swallowing as well – there are many online tutorials that can help you with this part of the dining experience, often referred to as “the skill step”.) 

4 – Most Chinese food is actually not Chinese

made in china

WOW! INCREDIBLE! Just moments after ordering off the menu, here it comes, served piping hot straight from the heart of Ancient China! But this is not always the case! Many Chinese restaurants have a kitchen located in the actual restaurant you’re seated in, and prepare the food on site! Delicious? Sure! Chinese? Hardly. Cook, you’ve pulled a fast one on us again! Maybe your sign should read “Local Restaurant!”

5 – Regional Laws still apply. 

local laws

Chinese Restaurants are often considered the last bastion of frontier justice, a lawless land with a cruel code of honour – but this is simply a stereotype. Regardless of what Cook may tell you, local laws still apply within the Chinese Restaurant, and as tempted as you may be to shoot a man, possess drugs with the intent to distribute, or plan a train heist with your gang, you should always resist your animal urges. What started out as a night full of crime and crispy duck could end up as a lifetime in jail! It is advised to consult with your local authorities to discuss what is legal and illegal within your Chinese Restaurant. 

6 – You must count every grain of rice out loud. 

grains of rice

Every list needs an obvious item, and this is it – everybody knows that its proper etiquette when receiving a bowl of rice to pour it out on the table and count every grain out loudly and obnoxiously before eating them.  

Be Warned – Cook may consider this flirting! 

7 – Cook will marry you if you let him.

cook2

Is Cook straight? Cook Gay? These are concepts that don’t apply to Cook. Cook is love. Cook will marry anybody who makes eye contact with him. Cook will give you a sleeping space in the back of the kitchen. Cook will protect you from the outside world. Don’t get jealous of his other lovers (whom you will get to know over time) – Cook loves you all equally. 

8 – Cook likes silk pyjamas. 

pyjamas

So you’ve been married to Cook for almost a year now, and things are better than ever. You get along with all his other husbands and wives, he’s moved your sleeping mat to the front of the kitchen, and he still has that twinkle in his eye every time he asks you to cut up an eggplant. But your anniversary is coming up! What does Cook want? For many people, picking out the perfect anniversary gift for Cook is the hardest part of eating out a Chinese restaurant. A little birdie told me that Cook is a big fan of Silk Pyjamas, which you can have shipped to the restaurant using a service like Amazon Prime. Let everyone else give him iTunes gift cards for their anniversaries. Your silk pyjamas will be the gift he remembers! 

Congrats! You now know everything you need to know about eating at your average Chinese Restaurant! Walk through that wall hole confidently, knowing you won’t embarrass yourself. Bon Appetit, or as they say in China, Buon Appetito! 

sluice 3

HOLLYWOOD’S TOP 10 BLOODY SLUICE SCENES

(originally submitted to Blood Sluts Magazine)

WHAT’S UP BLOOD SLUTS?!?

It’s your boy, The Crown Prince of Sick, Cam Wyllie, bringing you the most shocking, vile, and bloodiest scenes Hollywood doesn’t want you to see! Unless you see them in theatres, rent them using a service like i-tunes, or maybe find them on youtube like I did, I dunno.

It drips. It glops. It’s Sluice – that slurry of blood, tissue and organs that us human meat bags are stuffed full of, waiting for a maniac to slit us open so it can splooch out around our feet.

Studio Execs have been afraid of showing ANY sluice for years (That dreaded “R” Rating!) but I’ve been to find the thickest and sickest sluicings ever put to film, and assembled them into a handy list!

Here it is, the TOP 10 HOLLYWOOD SLUICE SCENES, as ranked by Blood Sluts Magazine!

#10 – Conan The Librarian – UHF

In what has become the most iconic scene in Weird Al’s Horror Masterpiece, Conan the Librarian reacts to a man with a late book return the only way he knows how – Bisecting him from head to hip! Only problem? WHERE’S MY SLUICE?? A cut that deep should be geysering sluice knee deep!

The weirdest thing about Al is how dry his death scenes are! But still, this is the perfect set up to what should have been a sick cinematic classic. Remember future horror gods, the slice is nice, but the sluice is the truth!

#9 – Ian’s Death – Final Destination 3

The Final Destination Series has taught us that you can’t escape death. It also has taught us that you can’t escape the movie theatre without a face full of sluice! In this epic death scene, fake out deaths abound until Ian (Kris Lemche) is bisected by a cherry picker, and takes us straight on a bus to SLUICE TOWN USA! Don’t step in that pile of muck, that used to be Ian LOL!

Final Destination delivers on it’s sloppy sluice promise, so why doesn’t this rank higher? Easy. Like most mashed sluice, the action’s over way too quick. The sluice is revealed in a literal second, like someone stepped on a ketchup packet full of sluice. Yeah, it’s a sticky sanguine mess, but where’s the drama? YOU GOTTA SEDUCE THE SLUICE!

THE WILD SLUICE CHASE CONTINUES TO

#8 – Death of Viktor – Underworld

At the risk of editorializing, the whole Underworld Franchise left a lot to be desired. Would immortal beings really battle to the death using bullets? Maybe they were just trying to bore each other to death with overly expositional dialogue. But Underworld did get one thing right – Vampires love the Sluice as much as the love Blood!

SHUT THE FRONT GORE, Viktor’s head is SLIP, SLIDIN’ AND SLUCIN’ AWAY! The head is traditionally light on the sluice (in comparison to the rest of the human body) but I’ll tell you this – that’s a perfectly timed skull slip!

PUT DOWN THE WHITE FLAG, THERE WILL BE NO SLUICE TRUCE TODAY!

#7 – Louis’ Revenge – Interview With The Vampire

Forget the matrix inspired vampires of Underworld – these are Anne Rice style Vamps – romantic, historical, and knowing the value of a good Sluicing! Louis is back for revenge in this scene, and ready to PRODUCE THE SLUICE! (Worth the click!)

Louis Sluices through a Vampire

That’s a rich and meaty sluice! Shoulder to Armpit, with a fine bloody mist! Sorry Vampires, all’s fair in LOVE AND GORE!!

SLUICES ARE WILD, BABY! MOVING ON TO

#6 – The Host Dies – Hellraiser: Deader

Clive Barker is an undisputed master of Horror, but is he also a master of Sluice? 2005’s Hellraiser: Deader is certainly a check in the “maybe” column! Watch as The Host (Lance Henrikson) gets carved up by Pinhead and his posse of Sluice Loving Manaics!

LET THE GORE POUR! Clean up in AISLE LANCE! That’s a man hewn into 5 different sluicing chunks of human! Those Cenobites know a thing or two about Sluicing at a college level!

IF YOU WANT SLUICE, PREPARE FOR GORE! HERE WE GO TO….

#5 – Grant kills some guy – Slither

James Gunn’s Slither isn’t afraid to get sloppy with it’s body horror. Just the title alone sounds slimy and sluicy in your mouth. In this scene, he takes a tongue lashing to a whole new level!

WOAH! IT LOOKS LIKE JAMES GUNN HAS BEEN SHOPPING AT SLUICY COUTURE! He’s giving us everything you want in a good sluice – A quick slice, and then that drawn out moment just before the person realizes THE SLUICE IS LOOSE! And he didn’t shy away from that Sluice Juice – lots of guts and entrails pouring out of that dummy.  SPLISH SPLASH YOU WERE SLUICED BY A LASH!

WHATS GOOD FOR THE SLUICE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER, FOLKS! LETS KEEP MOVING TO

#4 Cool Lawyer – Thir13een Ghosts

Number Th3ee on this list is the movie that taught us how weird it is to spell w0rds with n3mbers, Thir13een Ghosts. Thankfully It also brought us a hearty helping of goopy S1uc3!

WHAT A DAY FOR A SLUICE DREAM! Gotta love that front half slide down the glass that gives us a peek at all the sluicy goodness inside him! Believe me when I say that none of the thir13een ghosts are rushing to clean up that mess – He’ll be STEWING IN HIS OWN SLUICES FOR DAYS!

REDUCE, RE-SLUICE, AND GORE-CYCLE, WE’RE GETTING CLOSER TO THE SLOPPY SLUICE SOAKED FINALE!

#3 – CUBE – ALDERSON DIES

Here’s a Little Sluice from North of the Border to help TIGHTEN THE SLUICE AROUND YOUR NECK. Cube is full of death traps, and this one is EXTRA SLUICY!

OOOOH THAT’S A CHUNKY SLUICE! Fork or Spoon there’s no wrong way to gobble it up! (with your eyes, do not eat Sluice) THE SLUICE IS OUT THERE, MOVING ON….

#2 – Laser Hallway – Resident Evil

You know what would be truly evil? Giving us a movie adaptation of the greatest horror video game of all time WITHOUT putting in some Sluice action! In that sense, Resident Evil is one of the good guys!

Talk about your SLUICE ABUSE! That hallway is SLICK with all kinds of SLUICY GLOP. Multiple sluicings, escalating with each pass! THAT is how you make modern sluice cinema!

HAVE YOU SEEN CAMERON DIE-AZ OR DREW BARRY-GORE AROUND? BECAUSE I AM FEELING LIKE A REAL SLUICY LIU OVER HERE! HERE WE GO, NUMBER ONE ON THE LIST!

#1 – Opening Scene – Ghost Ship

Bringing up the end of this GORE TRAIN is this SLUICE CABOOSE, the undisputed king of Hollywood Sluicings – I’ve already said too much, so let’s dive in and get sluiced!

SAINT SLUICIFER’S PITCHFORK, THAT’S A LOT OF SLUICE! The SLUICE DECK is one SLOPPY DOPPY MESS! If you’ve rented Ghost Ship, eject the VHS right after this scene, you’ve soaked up all the Sluice this movie has to offer. (Oh, but what a sluicing!)

The GORE-IENTATION is over! Consider yourself SLUICE BIGELOW, MALE GIGOLO, because you are now a Sluice Expert!

It’s been fun playing SLUICE SLEUTH, but that’s it from me! I’ve been The Crown Prince of Sick, Cam Wyllie! Keep on Sluicing!

Have a favourite Sluice Scene that didn’t make this list? Let us know in the comments below!